CN: Autism, anxiety, body image,
dissociation, graphic depiction of self-harm
and suicide, depersonalisation,
depression, STPD, panic
Autism
Every sound is distinct and loud
In supermarkets I hear the checkouts
Beep! Beep! Distracting like birds in the sky
Disturbed into flight.
Anxiety
Lying in bed, the fear grips me
I look at myself from birds eye angle
The writhing body I want to correct
Perfection
Perfect, perfect… I don’t know what’s perfect
But I know I’ll find it like the hero of a quest
I look up at the ship, that I will sail someday
Bide my greedy hands, keep looking with my telescope.
Body Image
Until I see a mirror, I pray it’s dimly lit
I wish to write words over my image, I wish to define it.
Cameras flash.
Self harm
Slash, the blood drips
The pain empowers, I gasp to astonish
Hoping you’re deaf so I can stay secretive
Depersonalisation
The reflection is naked and it is not me
The reflection has my eyes and it is not me
I stared until I could not see and still it was not me
Nothing is easy, least of all anomies.
Depression
I am sad now, sadder than you
So self-sorry sad I sit and stay sat
My morals are enemies that pressure me
Give me a break
All I want to do.
Schizotypal
The voices swell, tell me what to do
I’m pushed and pulled into freedom and truth
Then I ask the voices, who are you?
I’m God they say, and God is you.
Panic
Now I can’t breathe
Clashing patterns
Love is a game
I’m nothing but atoms.
Perpetually shaking.
Distress
Aliens invading
Leave behind this planet
Humans helped them
Satan’s black magic.
Suicide
Jump out a window
Crash! I land back in reality
Jump out a window
Crash! Their faces as they watch me
Jump out a window
Crash! I’m sitting in my seat
Jump out a window
Body bursts, red muck.
Faith
I connect with Nature
Greater than I,
Circle of animals,
Dreams which pass in time
Senseless disorder
My place in the cosmos
So small, so insignificant
Find and lie to God.
Commitments
I will be a better man
Except for when I fail
I will love you with what I have
Which is not what you deserve
Ambition
Deep down I know what I can be
I blame myself for being unable to believe
Wisdom tells me what I will receive
As I prop up my feet to watch the TV.
By Shakes
Header image: ‘Confessional’
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Blueprint 