CN: Autism, anxiety, body image,

 dissociation, graphic depiction of self-harm

and suicide, depersonalisation,

depression, STPD, panic



Every sound is distinct and loud
In supermarkets I hear the checkouts
Beep! Beep! Distracting like birds in the sky
Disturbed into flight.


Lying in bed, the fear grips me
I look at myself from birds eye angle
The writhing body I want to correct


Perfect, perfect… I don’t know what’s perfect
But I know I’ll find it like the hero of a quest
I look up at the ship, that I will sail someday
Bide my greedy hands, keep looking with my telescope.

Body Image

Until I see a mirror, I pray it’s dimly lit
I wish to write words over my image, I wish to define it.
Cameras flash.

Self harm

Slash, the blood drips
The pain empowers, I gasp to astonish
Hoping you’re deaf so I can stay secretive


The reflection is naked and it is not me
The reflection has my eyes and it is not me
I stared until I could not see and still it was not me
Nothing is easy, least of all anomies.


I am sad now, sadder than you
So self-sorry sad I sit and stay sat
My morals are enemies that pressure me
Give me a break
All I want to do.


The voices swell, tell me what to do
I’m pushed and pulled into freedom and truth
Then I ask the voices, who are you?
I’m God they say, and God is you.


Now I can’t breathe
Clashing patterns
Love is a game
I’m nothing but atoms.
Perpetually shaking.


Aliens invading
Leave behind this planet
Humans helped them
Satan’s black magic.


Jump out a window
Crash! I land back in reality
Jump out a window
Crash! Their faces as they watch me
Jump out a window
Crash! I’m sitting in my seat
Jump out a window
Body bursts, red muck.


I connect with Nature
Greater than I,
Circle of animals,
Dreams which pass in time
Senseless disorder
My place in the cosmos
So small, so insignificant
Find and lie to God.


I will be a better man
Except for when I fail
I will love you with what I have
Which is not what you deserve


Deep down I know what I can be
I blame myself for being unable to believe
Wisdom tells me what I will receive
As I prop up my feet to watch the TV.

By Shakes

Header image: ‘Confessional’




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