CN: Alcoholism, panic attacks


The following is a personal account, and does not aim to dispense advice or guidance.


There are words that people use to describe me that do not apply to me, nor will they ever. Some are small: “organised”. Some are big: “inspiration”. All are false.

My partner calls me sometimes in the middle of the day to tell me he loves me. I often miss these calls because I am unconscious. When I respond hours later I tell him it was a depression nap. In reality, I was passed out drunk. At 15:05. Alone in my bedroom.

There are signs that others have witnessed alongside me over the years. First: I am always the one to suggest a night out. Second: when I start to drink, I do not stop until I physically cannot drink anymore. Third: I ask for help concerning Second. Final: I drink alone, day or night. It’s been easiest for all of us to ignore each step, because the next day I am myself again. Organised. Inspiration.

I started drinking alone during exam term because I spent most of my time alone, and I couldn’t stand my own company. Now when I answered practice essay or problem questions I had a pleasant buzz musing in the back of my mind. A separate conversation from the ones I had with my past papers and with myself.

I continued drinking alone because getting drunk the day and night before sparked anxiety attacks in the morning. The only thing that silenced them was more alcohol. When my heart beat too fast I would embalm it with alcohol. My lungs, as well. First to still the tremor in my hands, then to stop everything.

It is blatantly obvious that there is no answer to any problem at the bottom of a bottle. But it’s not every day look for answers. Sometimes mute the problem. Sometimes seek to die slowly [coating liver in fat] because that’s the most you deserve. As your glowing skin stretches apart to reveal acne, and your body gains pounds that would be healthy on any other person.

Every morning is a leftover-wine-poured-down-the-sink promise. Every night is a new bottle bought. Each in-between there is a different cry for help. And even if you heard me I’d ignore you, tell you all is well, and suggest we catch up over a drink that evening.


If you are struggling with alcohol addiction, consider contacting:

Drinkline: 0300 123 1110 


Alcoholics Anonymous: 0800 917 7650 / 

NHS Choices

Header image by Doug Focht

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