I don’t see you coming

By Lauren Gee

Leeds

CN: depression, anxiety

 

I don’t see you coming

And even if I could 

That slowly draining feeling you give me

The lack of energy 

The wave of darkness,

Would still come 

 

When you’re not with me, I wait for you

On edge, alert, empty

You tell me without you I am incomplete

I have learnt to accept your presence

Accept the way you make me feel

The way you make me stop, listen and cry

 

In moments without you, you find a way back

Question my happiness, my worth

Denying the things that you are made of and that you do to me 

 

We don’t speak when we’re together 

Unless you tell me I am small

The need to hide

The need to stay silent 

You make me feel as though without you I can’t be 

 

I know you are a fiction

That I was once someone without you

Reassuring myself you and I aren’t to always be together

That I deserve better

You do not strengthen me

My resistance to your clutch does

And without you to resist, I will still be strong 

 

On days when I wonder where you are

What to do in your absence 

I rally 

Defiant in my happiness

For we can’t and won’t be together 

The day when you and I part ways is coming

This day is a reward for my resistance 

Testament to my strength

And I will treasure it 

 

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Header image – Snow in Cambridge in February, Flo Arden