A series of bad things

H.D.

London

CN: Sexual assault; rape; sexual violence; emotional abuse; physical abuse; trauma

 

Man Hands
“A man” I whisper, giddy with glee
A man who can hold of all me
And I let your hands roam
Unthinking, where they don’t belong

Man hands at my face
Thick fingers by my lips
Man hands on my waist
Telling me to shush

My body freezes with the cold
It has to be in my mind
You take my hands in yours
And I’m suddenly confined

Frantic, I wonder how it is
You call yourself a man
You take what you want
You barely understand
that –

Fear can’t mean respect.

Silence is not ‘yes’.

Pain is not arousal –

Don’t spread my legs.

I’m sick and shaky, thinking
About what you’ve done to me
Man hands on my thighs
Man hands   pushing my knees

Man hands digging at my chest
Tearing at my heart
Ripping down all I was
And pulling me apart

Fingers by my face
Wiping at my tears
Stilling trembling lips
Calm in the face of fear.

*************************************************************************************

No
Lips at my neck
No
Lips by my shoulder
No
Fingers at my shirt –
No

Fingers against my heart
Fingers in my hair
Lips on mine and –

No

I don’t want –

No

But still –

Fingers on my lips
Lips on my skin
Please, you utter,

No.

Please, my love
Fingers at my –

No

Still –

Fingers by my
Lips on my
Fingers in my
Hands on my

No,

No,

No.

No, please
Please let me
Please

Let me love –
no
Let me touch –
no

Let me love you and love you and love you and love you and love you

No, can’t come,
Anymore and
I let you in.

*************************************************************************************

Forest
A forest of hands and teeth
You place your weight on top of me
I’ve barely said a word
I find it hard to breathe

Through the panic you instil.

When your eyes aren’t kind
And your touch is cold
Your words sound resigned
Destined to fall
On deaf ears and frantic eyes
That can barely breathe
Without so much as a cry

Apologies, I whisper
Let me just stop thinking
I switch off emotion
My courage goes slinking

You look about my eyes
Glad of what you see
Quiet and unfighting
Pretty and sweet

You didn’t think and I thought too much
You took what you wanted in the guise of love
You spoke in a hush with eager fascination
Despite the lack of my co-operation

It was a while before I figured it out
That flood of wild hands and teeth
Where there should’ve been drought

Your flowers blossomed
Dark red against my skin
A bouquet of bruises
Planted without permission

A massacre happened
With you between my legs
Soiling the earth that loved you
Mindless to my begs

A phantom touch
Of hands and teeth
When I am alone
Unable to breathe

 

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Header image by H.D.